I received serious conviction months ago about who Jesus is and what He means to me. My story is years old so I will do my best to keep it precise. I am 22 years old and as I reflect on the journey it took to recognize the need for Jesus in my life I remember as far back as when I was a kid. Not yet a teen I was enjoying my childhood but not all innocently. There were kids all around, girls and boys. Some would spend holidays in the yard, there were those kids from next door, and there were kids from the community. I’d play pretend, we would pretend any scenario, school mostly and sometimes family life.
At school, infant and primary, I would seek attention because I was the least favoured. I was bullied a lot too. So, you can imagine I wasn’t entirely happy. Outside of normalcy I found pleasure at such early age in sexual activities. No, I wasn’t having sexual intercourse but I was feeling horny a lot, imagining myself with different people, thinking so hard on these things and engaging the kids around me, girls and boys alike. Was attending church and was fully active but no naughtiness allowed there.
Either way I get to high school and it’s probably around this age 12- 13 that I start masturbating. I got baptized first at age 14 just thinking it was the right thing to do. Another reason I made the decision was because I would be allowed then to participate in church activities. I was still seeking attention. I got to like a guy I met at church and at age 15 nearing 16 I started to have sex. How unexpected but not even alarming. At one point I even thought it was ok. But I realized it wasn’t when I started having sex with even more men, and that’s how it continued up to my current age. It was a lot of men (not all at once) then it was not so much but still a lot of sex. Throughout all of this, I would get in trouble, I became emotionally unstable, I had an unquenchable thirst for this thing that wanted to destroy my soul and kill my spirit, my relationship with my mom wasn’t the best, my family members were having challenges, I was the rope in a tug o war between salvation and sin, I was getting all the attention and thought it was safe and easily giving in. I baptized a second time at age 20.
It wasn’t until last year during the global crisis that I decided enough is really enough. At one point my devices crashed, phone and laptop. I began to slowly detach from the relationships meant to harm me. I began to see clearly what was better for me. I made some promises to God leading up to age 22 and yeah I’ve made promises before and not kept them, but months ago I decided to honour these specific promises. I began to see the steps I need to take to fulfil these promises. Bless the Lord.
No, I didn’t understand everything, I was mostly going out on a limb but it was for God so it didn’t matter. I became radical, being a girl who always listens and will get my information from anywhere and kept an open mind for God to inspire/instruct me using anything and in any situation. I slipped up two times after I turned 22. But those were the very last two rides the devil got out of me. Glory be to God. I surmised that I need to take unusual action to break free. I did. I laid with a guy half naked and told him I was not going to have sex with him and he pleaded and begged and I said no as many times as I needed to. I was taken home and I cried. Because I was despised even for saying no. That was the first step, saying no to the external force. Then there was the second, to say no to the internal force. I realized that I wanted sexual pleasure for and from myself as much as the opposite sex. So, I prayed and I worked hard to overcome my addictions and reject temptation.
On the morning of November 11, 2020, in a walk/taxi ride/bus ride by faith I went to church, a church I thought could help, and I was delivered at last from the jezebel spirit, and all other unwelcome spirits. It didn’t stop there. I was blessed immensely, but meagerly compared to what God may have in store (might I say *winks*). My life has never been the same. Even my testimony changed that day. My God delivered me from sin, healed my brokenness, filled my emptiness and strengthened me. So much changed since then and it has only been a month or two. But that’s the quickness and effectiveness of God’s turnaround. This life makes more sense because I don’t have to struggle, if something comes up that gets me worried or uneasy, I tell it to God and watch Him work it out, sometimes I don’t even see how He works it out. And that’s trust.
Choosing Jesus gave me new personality and respectable character. Choosing Jesus gave me joy and peace, I stopped being miserable and bipolar and overly emotional. Choosing Jesus gave me purpose and optimism and security. Choosing Jesus gave me self-discipline, self-content, self-awareness. Choosing Jesus gave me a better understanding of life. Choosing Jesus gave me deeper appreciation for even my past, and present. Choosing Jesus opened doors for me and my family. Choosing Jesus gave me a calmer disposition. Choosing Jesus made me more beautiful, at least I feel so. Choosing Jesus made me more loving and forgiving.
To choose Jesus is the best thing anyone can do for themselves and the world. While I was plagued and abused and tormented, I still hung on to all the bits and pieces I would pick up from churches or church events I attended. Camps, retreats, the ministry of women and men of God, books I’ve read, songs I’ve listened, inspiring videos I’ve watched and whatever else. They all contributed to my growth, my eventual victory, my journey and my belief. I love God because of His love. His love that protected me, set me free, provided for me, healed me, embraced me, strengthened me, still amazes me. He met me where I was and honoured my faith.
One Saturday I went to church again, almost didn’t go and God spoke to me through my imagination, he showed me everything before it happened, a quick deliverance and restoration, His release of fire on me and His fresh pour of oil on my head and all over me. That’s how it happened, I was carefully picked once again from the crowd, with two other women (may the Lord bless them) and ministered to.
All my shame is gone. I am not ashamed of my past and not ashamed to be called Child of God. My Father knows me and I Know Him. He loves me and I love Him. He lives within me and I in Him. The world needs to know that God is real and I am a testimony. Please choose Jesus, He chose you a long time ago. Don’t deny Him any further, all He wants to do is take care of you. I’ve never imagined myself happier than I am now and that’s because I put my hand in His and took the first step and before I knew it I was walking, following my Lord, allowing Him to take me wherever He wants me to go.
I love you, be blessed.